We often hear that relationships are "complicated."

And they are.

They fulfill a myriad of human needs – companionship, procreation, pleasure, partnership, etc, etc, etc.

But beneath the surface of these noble goals lies a more primal force: chemistry.

When we meet someone, especially romantically, our bodies undergo a symphony of hormonal fluctuations.

We might love being around these people, being excited to hear from them and so on.

Maybe we feel a tingling sensation, a sense of euphoria.

Over time we might even call this "love."

I do hope everyone at some point has experienced this initial "spark.”

It's truly a beautiful thing.

However, the danger lies in mistaking this temporary surge of chemicals for what you could call “authentic” love.

These feelings are often influenced by a complex interplay of biological and psychological factors, many of which are coded differently for men and women.

This mistake leads us to unconsciously place the burden of maintaining this initial "high" on our partners.

After time when the initial intensity fades, we may feel disappointed, believing the relationship has "lost its spark."

We may even blame our partners, accusing them of "changing" or no longer loving us.

Or more commonly we start to only focus on what we don’t like… what annoys us.

But in reality we had entered a dangerous cycle of dependency and resentment.

Where we place the responsibility of our feelings on someone else.

I mean, that's a lot of pressure for someone to carry, no?

It means our partner can never evolve or change because those changes might not stoke the same fire within you.

We often spend our time worrying about them leaving us or finding someone else.

Jealousy is the fear of losing the person that alleviates our inherent sense of loneliness.

When we get scared we are losing the feelings that help us cope with life, the “love,” we resort to manipulative tactics or engaging in what I call "chemical warfare" – subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) attempts to hurt our partners emotionally.

But what if we came about this from a completely different angle?

What if we were responsible for our own internal wellbeing?

If we look at what we focus our lives on it is often jobs, wealth, hobbies.

External things that produce temporary “good” feelings.

The number one regret people express on their death bed is…

“I wish I’d lived a life true to me, not one based on others expectations”

…and the number two regret:

“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard”

What if we dedicated as much time to reaching a place of compassion within ourselves as we do on these external things.

Stoking our own wellbeing to find internal fulfillment.

Imagine for a moment how that would change our relationships.

If we weren't so reliant on others to prevent us from feeling scared or lonely…

They would suddenly be free of that burden, the burden of holding up any pretense in who they are.

Then we could love without these conditions, without them having to be any particular way.

When we offer someone love without any conditions “unconditional love”, a remarkable thing happens: they feel safe enough to shed the masks they've worn.

Often this takes time because most of us don’t even know we are wearing a mask.

Our early childhood is an indicator of how we give and receive what we call love.

What behavior was acknowledged?

How did you get attention or praise?

When did you feel most loved?

Understand the dynamic of giving and receiving love in your family and you will understand why you are in the relationships you are in.

Stop!

Don’t make any sudden moves.

You don’t need to change relationships, you are supposed to be there!

Simply turn the focus inward, become radically responsible for your inner attunement and watch how you might be manipulating others into making you “feel” good or secure.

Even examine your motives: are you being nice to gain admiration?

Usually all this is in our blind spot.

Our psyches don’t want to be exposed, they are the master of self-deception.

The most loving thing we can do is…

To free someone from the responsibility of making us “feel” good.

We sometimes call this forgiveness.

Start slowly, begin by simply watching how you operate in relationships, recognizing that many of your reactions may be unconscious.

Why did you say that?

Why did you do that?

Get to know this ‘persona’ we have “identified’ with, that we call “ourselves.”

This takes time, move slowly, it is an untangling.

If I can be helpful, reach out with any questions.

Paul